Communication is one of the best tools we have as professionals. Few of us, however, know how to communicate effectively — particularly where feedback is concerned. What is it that makes giving feedback so difficult? Even if we’re comfortable dispensing criticism, it isn’t always well-received.
Great feedback is challenging to convey, but crucial to master for anyone in a position of leadership or authority.
So how do the best leaders do it? I want to present to you a concept called nonviolent communication. Let’s explore.
How to Provide Effective Feedback Through Nonviolent Communication
What is nonviolent communication?
Developed in the 1960s by the late Marshall Rosenburg, a world-renowned author, psychologist, mediator, and peace advocate, nonviolent communication centers around the idea that we, as people, are all capable of understanding and compassion. The thought is that we only become violent or harmful to others when we don’t or can’t recognize how to effectively meet our needs.
In this theory, all human behavior stems from a desire to meet our universal human needs. When our methods of meeting these needs clash, we see violence. This may not be violence in the traditional sense, but it can mean the damaging of a relationship.
In the end, the goal of nonviolent communication is to promote interpersonal harmony and future cooperation.
I know — it sounds like a lot. The steps to nonviolent communication make it a lot more accessible, so let’s jump right in.
Step One: Observations
The key in every step is that you approach any given person without judgment. When giving feedback, if what you say sounds like a personal attack, the other party is far less likely to graciously and thoughtfully consider what you have said.
A nonviolent observation means that you express what you see. These aren’t your feelings, but the facts of a situation. In all steps, avoid words like “should, could” or giving the impression that the other party has done something you judge to be wrong. Don’t unpack how you feel about what you have seen and experienced just yet.
“When I see….”
Step Two: Feelings
“...I feel…”
Feelings can be messy. In expressing our feelings, we can inadvertently harm others. Nonviolent communication focuses on how those initial observations make you feel without trying to explain those feelings or place blame on others. For example:
“I have noticed that you deliver your work after the agreed deadline. This makes me feel anxious.”
Step Three: Needs
After one’s feelings come the expressing of one’s needs. Connect your feeling to your needs. “This makes me feel anxious because I value (or need) adequate time to go over everyone’s work to deliver the best product to the client. I fear I won’t have that time.”
This is where we must introspect. Your feedback can’t be given simply out of subjective preference. There needs to be a clear reason as to why you feel a certain way. Point out the impact of the other person’s actions on your feelings and in meeting your needs without judgment.
Remember, you express what you notice and feel, followed by what it is you need them to do for you to meet the unmet need.
Step Four: Requests
Lastly, you must give an actionable request. Vague feedback or criticism given without suggested solutions is easily ignored. Don’t overwhelm the other party with ideas. Say, “would you be willing to...x, y, z.”
In our example, a completion might be “would you be willing to turn in your work before the deadline?” or “it would help if you turned your work in on time. Will you do that?”
If you think it would be helpful, offer more detail. This depends on how receptive the other party is or is not. Ultimately, you need to give a concrete step that can help them help you.
This method leaves room for cooperation and, because it is rooted in mutual respect and objectivity, reduces the offense the other party might take when faced with a critique. Note: tackle one issue at a time. You don’t want your critique to turn into an airing of grievances.
That said, when you are in a position of authority, stronger and more authoritative language may be necessary. While you want to foster cooperation, as a leader and employee, you do have authority over and a responsibility to those under you.
Nonviolent communication is also helpful in receiving feedback as it helps you understand what the other person needs and how you can best meet that need.
Conclusion
Nonviolent communication isn’t about dancing around issues or avoiding confrontation. What this method does is allow you to honestly deal with real problems in a compassionate, empathetic way without accusatory or violent language. Ultimately, this opens up more effective dialog in the workplace and beyond.
What are examples of violent communication in the workplace? Share your experiences in communication in the comments.