There’s no doubt about it: we’re living in emotionally-charged times. Between COVID-19 fears, economic frustrations, and political opinion-slinging leading up to the election, emotions are running high. We’re feeling depressed and anxious, angry, and scared. We’re wound up in more ways than one.
Before I dive into the meat of this post, I want to say this: your feelings matter. They’re valid. Feelings and emotions are not unimportant. They’re not inconsequential. However, they don’t have to rule your life.
Being a voice of reason in the middle of all these high emotions has to start with you and your emotional management. Only then can you be a true leader and a calming voice of reason in the moments that matter.
3 Truths That Strengthen Your Voice of Reason
1) Your thoughts control your feelings, not the other way around.
We’re so often a slave to our emotions. We allow our feelings to dictate our thoughts and, ultimately, our actions. We feel sad, so we think sad thoughts and tell ourselves sad truths and sad lies. This leads to action based on the feeling.
An example:
You feel sad because you are lonely. You tell yourself you are alone and that you have no friends or meaningful love in your life. You reinforce this through action, such as self-isolation and social withdrawal. This action reinforces the feelings and the lies you have told yourself. Thus, a vicious cycle!
Likewise, maybe you feel anxious. Your thoughts race. You come up with a thousand worst-case scenarios and fears. Your action is to micro-manage your life, fixate on inconsequential problems, and seek to control anything you can.
At our core, we are motivated by emotions. However, we don’t have to be controlled by them. Instead of acting on emotion, begin with your thoughts.
Ask yourself:
Why do I feel this way?
Is this the truth of the matter?
What is the truth?
By recognizing the irrational or unsubstantiated thoughts that may be behind our emotions, we can challenge these thoughts with truth and objectivity. Identify your negative thoughts. Challenge them with the truth.
2) Feelings aren’t facts.
You’ve heard the phrase “facts don’t care about your feelings.” Though this is usually said to discount and disparage emotions, it is, in a way, true. Our emotions, how we feel, can be misleading. They rush us to conclusions that may or may not be true. They lead to knee-jerk reactions.
We dismiss evidence that we don’t like. We cling to things that make us feel good, even if they are bad for us, untrue, or unwise.
Overcoming this is difficult. We all have our biases, and these biases come with strong emotions. Challenge them with facts.In our world today, facts can seem hard to come by. Start by examining these feelings and biases. Ask yourself, “Is that really true?” and “do I really believe that?”
Do you truly think your boss hates you because his tone seemed short? Do you really think your entire life is terrible because of one bad event?
When you confront your emotions with truth, you will find that a more rational, balanced position emerges. Remember, at our core, we are emotional, not logical, and we must make a concerted effort to overcome emotional impulses.
3) Empathy is critical to reasoning.
Ultimately, our goal is not only to understand ourselves and regulate our emotions but to help lead our teams to do the same. As a leader, you want to be a calming, reasoning presence in the middle of turmoil.
It’s easy to think that all you have to do is confront people with “the truth.” Remember, however: we’re not logical. Even if we know what’s true and real, overcoming emotions can be difficult. That is why, as leaders, we must have empathy.
That’s why, before I began, I reminded you that your feelings are valid. They’re real. They matter. The presentation of the truth in confronting irrational or negative emotions is not about dismissing, burying, or ignoring the feelings. It’s about managing them in healthy ways.
With this in mind, we can’t expect others to ignore how they feel or to “get over it.” Instead, help your team navigate their emotions with empathetic questions and wise counsel. Only when you do this can you lead them to the real acceptance of reason.
What are your best strategies for managing your emotions? Share in the comments.