The more power and influence you have, the more accountable you must be. And if you’re like me and any human being on the planet, you’re bound to make mistakes from time to time. Your intentions don’t matter – messing up is messing up and hurtful behavior is hurtful behavior.
As much as we don’t want to get caught in a big blunder, we can’t bury our heads in the sand and hope that bad times blow over. Sometimes an apology is in order. Unfortunately, today’s culture gives way to a slew of PR apologies and deception. When you’re a leader – a person in a place of power and influence – recognizing the need to apologize and knowing how to do so effectively is paramount.
Hold yourself accountable. Embrace changing for the better. And, most of all, value the people around you enough to humble yourself with real, meaningful apologies and dialogue.
The 3 Parts of an Effective Apology
#1) Acknowledgement
First things first, you have to openly and freely acknowledge the hurtful action. You must do this clearly and specifically. Call a spade a spade. Don’t try to downplay what happened as uncharacteristic of you or a simple mistake. That may be the case but downplaying the severity of what you’re apologizing for makes it about you and not about the people who have been hurt. Acknowledge the hurt. Acknowledge the action. Show that you know what you did wrong and understand why is was wrong.
#2) Remorse
Apologies without remorse aren’t much of an apology, are they? Avoid the performative PR apology by showing genuine remorse for your actions. Sometimes this means waiting until you truly understand what has happened and why you were in the wrong. After all, it’s pretty hard to apologize when you feel you’re in the right!
Be humble. Be honest. Accept responsibility without disclaimers, deflection, or caveat.
#3) Change
Here’s something to know about apologies: an apology without demonstrated change isn’t an apology – it’s manipulation. If someone apologizes but continues to do and say that which they apologize for, it becomes pretty clear that they weren’t ever sorry! As a leader, you must take on the task of change and self-improvement. Make a plan. Be open about what you intend to do. Then do it!
What Makes Apologies Fake and Ineffectual
Deflection
An apology that starts with, “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry if,” or “I’m sorry you,” are fake. In some ways, these can turn an apology into gaslighting or other emotional manipulation. Adding but means that you’re trying to justify what happened. If denies the reality and acknowledgement of what happened. You makes the receiver doubt their own reality or share in the responsibility for your mistake and their hurt. Don’t deflect. Call a spade a spade!
Conditions
If you won’t apologize unless certain conditions are met first, you’re not sorry. Everyone will know it, too. It’s not a real apology if you demand one first. Be the bigger person even if both parties have done harm. Extent the olive branch. Show remorse. And give your apology regardless of whether you receive one in return.
Vagueness
When you’re vague in an apology, it communicates a few things.
· You want to protect your image more than you want to heal hurt. Vagueness leaves others wondering what happened, makes it easier to avoid and forget what was done, and allows you to ignore the true gravity of that which you’re apologizing for.
· You do not know or do not want to acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone. This demonstrates a lack of responsibility, maturity, and self-reflection.
When apologizing, you must specifically acknowledge the bad behavior and the negative impact.
Justifications
While it is okay to offer explanations for behavior, it’s never okay to try and justify that behavior. Justifications remove your agency and effectively blame outside forces (or other people) for bad actions. Don’t make the mistake of trying to repair your image or cast yourself in a better light when making an apology. This, again, makes it about you and salvaging your reputation. Worry about mending fences and demonstrating good character after you’ve made a sincere apology.
Regardless of why what happened happened or why you behaved the way you did (even if it is justified), never make it the fault of someone or something else. Take responsibility, period!
Have you been on the receiving end of a bad apology? Share why it was ineffective in the comments.